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Gearbest Holiday Buyer's Guide

November 14, 2018

Our thrift stores aren’t very exciting, so every now and then I like to browse gearbest to get my fix of weird random junk that could totally be mine if I were willing to part with eight or nine dollars.

I rarely buy anything, but I’m often tempted.

lightbulb humidifier

Look at this object! It’s a light bulb with a fun tropical diorama that you fill with water, plug into a USB port, and it lights up and sprays the water into the air, I guess? The product page calls this a “humidifier”, but it looks more like a… moistener. Hope you have room next to your expensive computer to plug in this thing that’s spraying water everywhere!

world cup keychain

Wanna keep your keys on the world’s worst fake world cup? Yes? You’re in luck, if you have two dollars and three cents to spare. And I know you do.

spiky rubik's cube, solved spiky rubik's cube, spiky

Sensing an approaching predator, the rubik adopts a defensive stance, baring its beautiful but deadly spikes. Looks like the red arctic cubivore will be sleeping hungry tonight.

trackpad slime keyboard slime

You know the best way to clean the dust off your laptop? ~ S L I M E ~ S L I M E ~ S L I M E ~ S L I M E ~

babysketball

This seems ill-advised. Don’t play this game with your baby. What’s the best possible outcome? Against all odds, you manage to get every ball in the basket without accidentally beaning your tow-headed toddler directly in its porcine schnozz. The child whips its head around in delight, spilling balls all over the rumpus room. Now you’re on your hands and knees scooping up balls all night instead of watching the big game. What was that buzzer? Everyone’s cheering, what happened? Oh no! Your favorite player just scored the winning goal, and you missed it. Christmas is ruined. Thanks a lot, babsketball.

PUBG helmet

Finally, for the gamer that has everything, you can get them their very own “Famous Game Character Helmet”

Main features (actual product description):

money gun

You’ve now saved wads of your hard-earned dough by shopping smart on Gearbest. Flaunt your hoarded wealth by shooting your extra thousand dollar bills at friends and well-wishers with your brand new money gun. Go ahead, you’ve earned it.


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